Sad Mad

Today, we had the memorial service for my mom. She passed away Saturday morning from cancer. Well technically, she contracted an infection while in the hospital that her immune system couldn't beat because she was no longer producing white blood cells due to the chemo. To complicated an answer tho.

I'm just so sad. That's the only word i know that sums up how i feel. Synonyms of the word include unhappy, despondent, disconsolate, discouraged, gloomy, downcast, downhearted, depressed, dejected, melancholy. And to some extent, I'm all of those at different times. But sad just seems to cover it all.

And I get mad some too. Not at God like I hear some people do. Just mad that she's gone. Mad that she was so young (61) to be taken. Mad at the whole situation.

One lesson my mom tried to teach me more than just about any was independence. To be my own person. To not be dependent on her or others for my happiness. To stand on my own two feet and not Need Her...just love her. But I look out at the big blue sky and I wonder what life is going to be like without her in it. And I find myself forgeting the lessons of independence she taught me. I find myself needing her to make my life whole. The last three years she'd been back in Stone Mountain were a wonderful time. A time when she and I grew closer as she did with my children. I'm missing her so much....and she's only been gone 2 days. We'd go longer than that w/o talking on the phone...but just knowing I can't breaks my heart.

Here's a picture of her that i really like....it's not the one we used at the ceremony but a good one none the less.